ItsOverJonny.com: Come On Now!!!:<br>Raiders of the Lost Ark: Part IV | My Grumpy, Bitter, Angry, and Cynical Spewings, Rants, Raves, Bitching, Kicks to the Nuts, Ass-Whippings, and General Observations

What the hell was Jonny thinking? Hmmmm.....let me see, a Geriatric Swashbuckling Archaeologist Scouring Peru for Clues to an Ancient Alien Invasion. Sounds like an AWESOME premise! Sign me up!

Yeah, they got me. Jonny spent $9.25 and three hours of his life that he'll never get back on this piece of shit.

I guess it just proves that the American Public (Jonny included) really IS that fucking stupid. First they gave us Shriveled-But-Still-All-Veiny-And-Roided-Up Rocky Balboa. Gross!!! Hey - it could happen! A 60-year-old dude COULD kick the shit out of a professional boxer 30 years his junior, right?

I guess everyone thought that Sly looked so good in that one that they quickly followed it up with another sequel in the Rambo series. Or maybe it was because so many dumbasses paid to go see "Rocky VI: That's Not My Cup - Those Are My DEPENDS" that it grossed about $125 million versus a cost of $24 million to make. This time the old fuck is back running around the jungle and killing gooks in hand-to-hand combat. Maybe all of the humidity and sweat covered up his problems with incontinence. At least he had the decency to hire a body-double half his age to do alot of his stunts. This little gem of Senior Citizen Action Hero Cinema made a profit of about $50 million, so sadly we're likely to see more of this shit. PLEASE people, stop paying for this shit, and eventually they'll stop making it.

But sadly, not yet. Alas, the final leg of our Triple-Crown-of-Action-Heros-That-Sometimes-Accidentally-Shit-Their-Pants-During-Filming hit theaters yesterday, and I'm sure it will make a killing too, spawning more of these horribly saddening works. In case you're wondering, the original Raiders of the Lost Ark was released TWENTY-SEVEN years ago. And it was GREATNESS. Why do they insist on fucking up such a great franchise with scenes of an old man climbing into a refrigerator to avoid a nuclear blast (because a good-ole fridge can survive a direct nuclear strike that obliterates everything else in sight), and then doing some horrifying slapstick physical comedy with some CGI gophers when he climbs out of the fridge that was blown miles across the desert. And then they have to revive Marion Ravenwood, also from the first Indy, who is now even fatter and more tore-up than he is, to come back and bust Indy's balls. Wow, there is NOTHING like two sexagenarians rekindling an old flame to make me throw up in my mouth. It just gets worse and worse as the story goes on, until the aliens kill all of the Russians or suck them into the giant flying saucer for some anal probing, but Indy and his crew miraculously escape just in time (SHOCKING! - Never saw THAT ending coming!) to witness the majestic alien departure from the top of the ridge. Are you FUCKING SERIOUS??? Aliens??? How the fuck does an archaeologist find ALIENS while exploring ancient ruins in the mountains of South America? Oh wait, here comes the credits with the cool Raiders theme song. At least Indy's theme song is still good, but while they were busy fucking up everything else about Raiders of the Lost Ark, why didn't they just go ahead and sodomize the theme song - maybe a new rendition by Lil Jon with a nice Techno beat.

So Jonny is wondering - What's next? Since making retread sequels of old action flicks using the original cast seems to be all the rage, how about we dig up Christopher Reeve and spring Margot Kidder from the mental hospital long enough to make one more Superman sequel?