"Economic Stimulus" = More Tax for Jonny, More Consumption for YouPart I:So You Got a Check? Good for You!Now Go Fuck Yourself.

Note: Some of this post was derived from content Jonny originally posted on WestonPoker.com / BigStack.com. Jonny thanks the good folks at WestonPoker.com / BigStack.com for providing a forum for Jonny to hone and sharpen his bitterness and hatred, and Jonny also thanks all of the contributing users at WestonPoker.com / BigStack.com for providing their thought-provoking input.

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So, recently you received your "Economic Stimulus" payment from our benevolent government, or you expect to receive it soon. How exciting! So, tell Jonny, how do you intend to spend it? Jonny is dying to know! It's kind of like when your grandma gives you a gift card for your birthday, and you are obligated to call her and tell her what wonderful stuff you bought with it. Same here. Jonny deserves to know what you bought with HIS MONEY!

It's great to know that our budget surplus is so great and that our national coffers are so fat that we can afford to just GIVE money to our citizens. Notice I didn't say "GIVE BACK". I just said "GIVE". "Give back" would imply that the money went back to those who contributed it. Not so much.

Sadly, Jonny won't be receiving any stimulation from Uncle Sam. Why? Well kids, Jonny did some BAD things during his lifetime. Namely, he busted his ass for many years - working long hours, starting businesses, creating jobs for the fine citizens of the USA, and generally contributing to the Gross Domestic Product and overall well-being and standard of living of this great country. But far worse, at the same time, Jonny made the conscious choice NOT to consume every penny (or more) that he managed to generate, and as a result he still has a few bucks laying around. Jonny knows it is shameful, and he humbly accepts his punishment. In return for his many years of hard work and diligent saving and investing, Jonny gets to pay out the ass in taxes, and then instead of getting hand release, sex-in-mouth, or other stimulation from Mother Liberty, he gets to watch his tax dollars handed out to those who are more likely to "stimulate the economy" - Namely, those who are consumption-centric GOOD Americans and will take the one-time government handout and piss it away as quickly as possible, to the benefit of our nation's largest retailers and other companies.

This is the most short-sighted, ignorant, politically-motivated bullshit Jonny can fathom. But at the same time, it is GENIUS! Try to imagine the Stimulus as loaves of bread being handed out by an ancient ruler to the starving peasants of his kingdom. It doesn't cost the King much - he collects enough Tribute from his subjects to cover the cost of the bread, and relative to the King's overall budget it's a drop-in-the-bucket. It appeases the starving, desperate citizens, and perhaps prevents them from revolting against his leadership, thereby lengthening his reign and increasing the likelihood that they will not choose to replace him as their ruler. But it also wins favor with the wealthy Bakers in the kingdom, who profited from the huge one-time order for bread. Further, all of the farmers and other suppliers that do business with the bakers are thrilled for the influx of business too. Even further, all of the investors and bankers that back the bakers and their suppliers also get a taste of the wealth. So the King has managed to win favor with the lower echelon of his kingdom AND with a portion of the upper echelon by simply redistributing the wealth from the group that did not benefit from his program to those that did, and there are WAY more that benefitted than did not.

To call this is a "Rebate" is bullshit. Sure, a lot of the folks that will benefit from this program did pay some taxes. Many paid less than they will receive, and some paid nothing at all. But if there is money to throw around, shouldn't it go to those that paid MORE, not to those who paid less (or nothing). Of course not, because those folks are likely to save/invest that money. That would be BAD!

And to call it "Economic Stimulus" is even more of a leap. Here's a novel idea: If you want to stimulate the economy, place the incentives in the hands of those that have the ability to provide a sustained, long-term impact on the economy by investing, starting businesses, creating jobs, and contributing to the overall well-being of the USA. Giving cash to someone who will scurry down to Wal-Mart and spend it on a new plasma TV, Guitar Hero III, or new rims for his truck is NOT going to help our GDP. It will help the coffers of the bakers, and to a lesser extent their suppliers and investors, but once the dust kicked up by peasants shuffling for falling loaves of bread has settled, nothing has changed.

So enjoy spending my money, fuckholes. The least you can do is buy Jonny a little thank-you gift. Crown is always a good idea, but if you got $1,200 or more, Jonny expects at least 750ml of a nice single-malt. If you got more than $2,100, keep your money and get a vasectomy and stop having so many kids.

Jonny out, you leaches.

Coming Soon:

Part II: Why Jonny sits on his ass and writes these blogs instead of contributing to the wealth of our country.