Prayer Request: Reba McIntire Has Been Stricken With A Horrible Disease

Alt Title: Separated at Birth?

A while back Jonny took Mrs. Jonny to a concert in Shreveport, Louisiana, compliments of the fine folks at the Horseshoe Hotel and Casino in Bossier City and their even finer superiors at Harrah's Entertainment. It was the "Two Worlds, Two Voices" tour staring (in no particular order) Kelly Clarkson and Reba McIntire.

Jonny isn't ashamed to admit that he enjoyed the hell out of the show despite the overpowering pungent aroma of estrogen that permeated the air at the CenturyTel Center in beautiful, scenic, crime-free Bossier City, Louisiana. And no, it had nothing to do with all of the scattered cooze roaming the grounds. COME ON NOW! How many hot chicks did YOU see last time you braved a crossing of the eastern border of the great state of Texas into that shitty wasteland? Exactly. Believe it or not, Jonny DOES prefer that women have teeth. Unless you're out trolling around Red Coleman's liquor store on Samuell Blvd. in far East Dallas late at night, but that's a story for a different day.

By the way - CenturyTel is an absolute shithole as far as concert venues are concerned. Nothing but a bare floor, bare walls, and a bare metal roof to totally desecrate the beautiful sounds being produced by some extremely talented musicians. But this building is probably perfectly suited for more common Shreveport pursuits, such as motocross races, tractor pulls, and the "Bossier-Shreveport Mudbugs" (a shitty-you're-never-gonna-make-it-to-the-NHL hockey team). If you are playing for a sports team that has to hyphenate two city names, you fucked up somewhere in your life. You probably made some really poor life choices. But it's never too late - you're probably too stupid to work at Starbucks because your language skills cannot embrace such words as "Venti" and "Latte", but I hear that UPS is hiring.

This fine edifice also is home to the "Bossier · Shreveport Battle Wings" (I can't say that without laughing), which is a minor league team for Arena Football. No, sorry, the rules are the same even if some stupid twat in your marketing department decided that it was WAY cooler to put a BULLET between the names of the two shithole towns you draw from rather than a hyphen.

That's right, if you are not good enough to make a "Big Time" Arena Football League team, you can play in the second-tier AFL. Jonny wonders if guys in the minor leagues of arena football romantically refer to the "big league" of arena football as "The Show", kinda like Crash Davis in Bull Durham, and if they DREAM of taking a CHARTERED bus to away games instead of the Greyhound bus.

But don't laugh, the Battle Wings are led by none other than our own Dallas Cowboy expatriate Quincy Carter. Quincy is the exception - he DIDN'T get here as the result of poor life choices. He WANTED to be in Bossier (bullet) Shreveport playing minor-league arena football for $200 a game and supplementing his income by selling weed outside of the neighborhood convenience store. That's WAY cooler than making $800k per year plus all of the snatch you can handle being the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys. No, seriously. I'll bet if you ask Tony Romo he'll tell you the same thing: he would gladly give up his millions and all of the world-class ass for just one opportunity to take the helm of the revered Battle Wings.

Anyway, Jonny digresses. Shocking, right?

Given the opportunity, Jonny would love to see that same show (we're back on Reba and Kelly - catch up!) somewhere with better acoustics. On top of the shithole venue, there were persistent engineering issues. Perhaps it's inherent in trying to properly mix a show where two lead vocalists and two bands simultaneously occupy the same stage, but it took a while for me to be able to overlook the fact that they couldn't get their levels right, even though they were 10 or 12 shows into this tour.

So anyway, Reba and Kelly put on a great performance despite all of the aforementioned fuckups. But Jonny couldn't help but come away thinking that Reba has been afflicted with a terrible disease. Of course, I speak of the affliction known as "JOKER MOUTH". No, I don't mean that she told too many funny one-liners or something like that. What I mean is that I think that in her early years she was visiting Gotham City during the time before Batman whipped out his 12-pound weiner and got that whole shitty scene under control, and she was tricked into sniffing the flower on the lapel of the infamous Joker. As a result, she contracted the vicious affliction known as JOKER MOUTH.

You be the judge...

EXHIBIT A:

EXHIBIT B:




and finally...

EXHIBIT C:



Jonny rests his case.

Don't get me wrong - Reba is an amazingly talented artist, and Jonny was really surprised that he knew so many of her songs, but COME ON NOW! We're all gonna get old, so just accept it and age gracefully. Just say no to the botox and the surgeon's knife so you don't start looking any more like a cartoon character.

♥ Love you long time Reba Honey. Jonny out.