The Great Credick Card GameAlt: Stickin' It To The DOPEMAN

Well Hello! Sorry Jonny hasn't written in a while. The Jonny Clan was on vacation on the Caribbean coast of Mexico, and while I was quite surprised to find Wi-Fi in the middle of nowhere, and ever MORE surprised that it was FREE, it's just damn hard to maintain my normal pissed-off demeanor in paradise, and even Jonny can't fake anger and cynicism when he isn't feeling it.

So Jonny is back, and not so pissed off, so today we're going to talk about a little game that Jonny is going to play with The Man.

Jonny has been reading a lot lately about all of the Reindeer Games that the credit card companies play to get you "hooked", to the point that they are willing to offer you some fairly outrageous introductory rates/terms, just because they know that once those offers expire (or you fuck them up prematurely), you will be unable to put down the crack pipe, and you'll be their cock-sucking crack-whore for life.

In a nutshell, most of the major card issuers will offer you fantastic interest rates (like ZERO), free balance transfers, and other enticements to get you lay with them. But as soon as you fuck up ONCE, like a payment that is slightly late, or you go over your credit limit (which, of course, they APPROVE when you make the purchase), or you commit one of a myriad of other seemingly-harmless faux-pas, they set their hooks so deep in you that you can never escape.

Well, Jonny ain't Suckin' no Glass Dick, but I can still partake in the Reindeer Games, right? I mean, why not take advantage of the free drugs from the Dopeman if you know that you are impervious to addiction, so in the end you just got free drugs, and the Dopeman gets nothing for his sinister betting on the come?

Here's the basic plan: Jonny will open up one or more credit card accounts with a 0% introductory rate and milk it as long as he can. Rather than pay the balance at the end of the billing period (before the expiration of the grace period), Jonny will instead carry a balance on the credit card (as long as it is at 0%) and instead deposit the funds that would normally be used to pay off the balance into an interest-bearing account. In other words, we'll take on interest-free loan from The Man and collect interest on the loan proceeds as long as possible. When the 0% introductory rate is close to expiring, Jonny will either transfer the balance to another 0% card, or pay it off in full.

Below are the basic assumptions/rules of this game:

1) One primary goal is to never pay The Man ANYTHING! No interest, no penalties, no annual fees, no late fees, no over-limit fees, no transaction fees, no balance-transfer fees, no currency exchange fees, NOTHING! However, Jonny reserves the right to vary from this from time to time when it makes financial sense, such as when a small balance-transfer fee will yield another extended period of 0% interest, during which time the interest earned will far outweigh the cost of the balance-transfer fee. In the event that Jonny elects to pay some sort of fee, it can only be paid from prior earnings of the experiment. Jonny will spend NOTHING out-of-pocket. The goal here is to MAKE money, even if it's only on a small scale. This is a "proof of concept" experiment rather than an effort to make significant money.

2) At the same time, the other primary goal of this project is to maximize the earnings on The Man's free money while taking as little risk and maintaining as much liquidity as possible. To that end, any non-cash and/or illiquid investments are out of the question, as are CD's, unless this experiment grows to the extent that some of the funds on deposit might be laddered in CD's to obtain higher interest rates. Further, most Money Market accounts limit the number on monthly transactions, and then charge a fee after this number is exceeded. To keep it simple, convenient, and cost-free, Jonny has selected an ING Direct savings account to start with. It pays 3.00% APY (around 2.98% APR), and all transfers are made easily and conveniently in and out of Jonny's checking account with his normal local bank. By this mechanism, Jonny can transfer the would-be payments into the interest-bearing account as often as he likes, and could theoretically do it daily so as to maximize the Average Daily Balance upon which interest is paid. By the same token, Jonny can transfer money back to his checking account when needed to make the minimum monthly payments on the credit card. As the U.S. interest rate climate changes, Jonny will continually reevaluate his options for a repository for these funds.

3) The funds on deposit are an ESCROW. They will not be touched for ANY reason except to make payments (ranging from minimum monthly payments to paying off the full balance) on the credit card balance. Jonny will never fall into the trap of debt servitude that the Dopeman wants him to. They'll never call me "Strawberry".

4) At the first sign of anything going wrong, Jonny will immediately pay off all balances in full using the funds in escrow. If the 0% interest period runs out and Jonny has not set up a satisfactory alternate account to which to transfer the balance, Jonny will pay off the balance rather than pay any interest. By the same token, if Jonny somehow fucks up and defaults on the terms on the introductory offer, thereby triggering interest or fees, Jonny will immediately pay off the balance.

5) In addition to interest, Jonny will take advantage of any bonus/rewards offers that he can to improve the return of this experiment. As detailed below, the easiest method to use "rewards" and to monetize them is via a "Cash Back" credit card. Any proceeds from rewards/bonuses will also be deposited into the Escrow to maximize returns. At present Jonny has not determined a good way to monetize "Rewards Points", airline rewards, or other non-cash bonus plans, so I'll stick with cash-back unless a better plan emerges. Jonny is too lazy to buy shit with "rewards points" or airline miles and then turn around and peddle the merchandise on eBay for cash.

6) Jonny doesn't give a FLYING FUCK what this experiment does to his credit. As long as he doesn't make late payments or otherwise fuck-up-royally, this shouldn't have any effect. In fact, the repeated flexing of Jonny's Credit Cock and the fact that he will become a "good customer" of the credit companies by carrying a balance, it might actually be positive influence on Jonny's credit. Although changes to his credit score cannot be vacuum-ized and be attributed solely to Jonny's involvement in this experiment, for the record, Jonny's FICO was 776 in May of 2008.

7) Jonny will NOT, for the sake of this experiment, make any purchases that he would not normally make in the course of his daily life. Jonny already pays almost all of his bills with a credit card so as to maximize the airline rewards on his existing credit card, and will simply shift his spending to the credit card that is set up specifically for this experiment, since the airline rewards have decreased to a point where their value is negligible to Jonny. The goal is to make a little coin of the Dopeman's generosity - not to spend money that Jonny would not otherwise have spent.

These are all of the rules that I can think of so far. I may add to them as time goes on and I discover facets of this experiment that I did not initially realize.

So, to get this Mutha-Fuckin' Party started:

1) Jonny set up an "Orange Savings" account with ING Direct. They sent me an offer in the mail for a $25 bonus just for opening the account, so we're already $25 ahead!

2) Next, Jonny applied for, and was approved (of course - do you know who the FUCK I am?) for a VISA card with 0% interest for 12 months, no annual fee, and 1% cash-back on all purchases. The cash-back should significantly improve the monetary outcome of the experiment. Jonny was offended by the paltry $5k credit limit they approved, which is peanuts by Jonny's Big-Baller standards, but it will do for the sake of this experiment. If the experiment goes well, Jonny will soon request a credit line increase and/or apply for another account. The initial projections Jonny ran that produced a little over $5,000 per year in "gravy" from this experiment were based upon $100k in credit, but Jonny likes the idea of "starting small" and making sure this experiment is feasible and reasonably manageable before digging in balls-deep.

3) Starting tomorrow, Jonny will do his best to be a good credit-wielding American and run up his credit line as quickly as possible, but Rule #7 is in full-effect - Jonny will not spend any more on purchases than he normally would. As often as is feasible without interrupting Jonny's normal day-to-day life, Jonny will transfer the would-be payments for his purchases to the new savings account so as to maximize interest earnings. Let the Reindeer Games begin!

4) Jonny will periodically report his results here for those that are interested.

Forward any questions.


FAQ for this experiment:

Q: I may be wrong, but it sounds like Jonny has too much time on his hands. Can you elaborate?

A: Yes, Jonny has WAY too much time on his hands. One assumption of this experiment is that Jonny's time has no monetary value, which, realistically, is a valid assumption. Therefore, the time that Jonny spends on this experiment is not monetized and deducted from or otherwise factored into the financial results of this experiment. Let's face it - most of you lazy fucks will never get a second job or otherwise convert your spare time into a money-making endeavor, so your time is ALSO worthless. Get over it.

Q: Why does Jonny make frequent analogies between the drug-trafficking industry and the credit card industry?

A: Because these credit-issuing fuckers are WAY sleazier than a dope dealer, except that their "product" is legal. Either way, once they hook you, you are always just a heartbeat away from sucking cock to survive.

Q: What does Jonny mean when he references the "Dopeman", the "crack pipe", and "sucking the glass dick"? And who the hell is "Strawberry"?

A: Obviously you didn't grow up in the P.G., or the O.C., or anywhere else where your lilly-white ass ever came into contact with the STREETZ! Get your ass out of Starbucks once and a while, would ya? And for specific references in this thread, you'll have to query your little iTunes world for N.W.A./Eazy-E/Ice Cube/Dr. Dre.