Democrat National Convention:Jonny Threw Up in His Mouth.....a LOT

Just some quick thoughts. Watching the Democrat National Convention. I'm sure Jonny will be just as repulsed when the Grand Old White Guys take center stage from Minneapolis next week. But what a fucking joke. Just an arena full of sheep with their stupid fucking signs and their fucking stupid songs. Wow - what a coincidence!...They all had signs that said "McCain - More of the Same", and then Biden's theme was "That's more of the same!", complete with chanting from the Sheeople like it was the opening scene of Wheel of Fortune. Oh, and if he's going to act like he mistakenly said "George" (Bush) when he meant to say "John" (McCain) and then call it a Freudian slip, he REALLY should work on his delivery so that it's remotely believable. He got so excited about releasing that little gem of prose that he popped too soon like Forrest Gump and totally fucked it up. Gag. Cud from Pei-Wei doesn't taste as good going down the second time. And did they really need to exhume the corpses of Biden's wife and daughter for political gain? Even Jonny thinks that is shameful. Congratulations - you decided not to go to Washington to take your oath of office because your wife and daughter just got killed. How fucking noble of you. Or maybe that fucking train just wasn't running that day.

IF JONNY HAS TO HEAR ANY MORE ABOUT BIDEN TAKING THE FUCKING TRAIN EVERY DAY, I'M GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FUCKING HEAD! I'd rather hear some sappy story about how he still takes a giant SHIT every day. Or maybe how he takes one shit in Washington and another shit in Delaware EVERY DAY. I think that accomplishment is more worthy of self-congratulation than taking the train home to Delaware nightly.

One important sidenote, though - Jonny saw irrefutable proof that the Republicans are fucked - before Bill Clinton took the stage (and before that god-awful god-damn Fleetwood Mac song began to torture Jonny), the Dems were cranking out "Eye of the Tiger". GG GOP. See ya in 2012. If Survivor can beat the Russians, the Republicans don't stand a chance.


And while we're on Clinton, is that guy the King of all Jedi Knights or what? I swear that guy can wave his hand and you'll forget all about the droids. And the Sheeople LOVE him. I literally laughed out loud when Clinton started getting pissed because his humble subjects would not stop the ovation so he could speak. He looked like Mr. Clark in "Lean on Me" standing in front of the high school auditorium full of hoodrats trying to bring them to order. "Please stop". "Stop!" "Sit down - we've got business to do!!!" You could see it in Clinton's face - he wanted to twist off like Kanye West, but his years of experience kept him from saying what he WANTED to say - "Shut the FUCK up and sit the FUCK down. Okay, I get it - you fuckin' LOVE me. But they told me I have to introduce the next Shepherd, and then I gotta go - I got P-I-M-P-I-N to do!"

I loved how Clinton took credit for everything positive that happened from 1992-2000. He bragged about how strong the economy was and how great the budget surplus was when he left office. Yep - it's true - it was all because of you, Billy. Starting in about 1950, Clinton skillfully began crafting the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on Corporate America that resulted in TREMENDOUS corporate spending in the last couple of years of the 20th century. As a result of Clinton's genius "Y2K Panic Plan", the economy was BOOMING, and Clinton's life-long plan came to fruition. At the same time decades ago, with the help of his little buddy Albert, he created the Internet and set in motion all of the hysteria that lead to the tech bubble that further boosted the economy and swelled the government's coffers with all of the capital gains tax on stock market returns from phantom companies with phantom profits. Need further evidence of Clinton's expertise? How about that gigantic bucket full of shit he left hanging above the door to the Oval Office, a-la Three Stooges, so that as soon as his successor walked through the door, the tech bubble burst, terrorists attacked NYC, and his successor was covered in shit. Dude, the time before, during, and after your administration were a Perfect Storm for you - just acknowledge that you run good at LIFE. Or maybe I'm wrong, and Chris Moneymaker really WAS the best player at the WSOP in 2003. But enough about Clinton. You can't argue with stupid. But he's still the smoothest motherfucker alive.

Jonny especially loves how each party spends the first six months of the election season stomping on each other's nuts, and then they come to their respective conventions and say "Naaaawww...We were just bullshittin'. We didn't mean all that stuff we said about each other. Contrary to our earlier statements, we're all VERY qualified and we'll all do a GREAT job."

But anyway, seriously folks. Do people really think that a politician is going to change their lives? Do they REALLY think that a government is going to solve their problems? Dude, the government can't efficiently issue you a little card with your picture on it without it turning into a total cluster-fuck. But these people on the convention floor were GENUINELY excited about the prospects of Mr. Obama instrumenting "Change". Good luck with all that. Somehow the campaign platforms of "Change" and "Take Back America" and "Stick Up For The Little Guy" and "Improve Life for American Families" work EVERY fucking time. I guess that's because no one ever accomplishes these promises, so they are still bullet-points the next time an election rolls around. If you want to improve your circumstances or solve your problems, save the energy you are wasting shaking that stupid fucking sign and chanting what they tell you to say and singing "We Are Family", and instead get off your ass and get busy working on your own problems and circumstances!

Jonny hates politics, and Jonny hates politicians. How long before the Machines take over?