Slow The Fuck Down orSHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Greetings. Jonny has been on the road a lot lately and is just catching up on his thoughts. Today's lesson comes from, well, "the road".

Jonny took a couple of road trips lately to that shitty wasteland just North of the border of the Great State of Texas. The natives call it "Oklahoma", which is an ancient Native American word that roughly translates into "great land of cigarettes, beef jerky, crystal meth, and vinyl casinos".

But Jonny's contempt for this charming piece of Americana is not the focus of today's sermon. Rather, I want to share a valuable lesson that Jonny learned while traveling to and fro from this godforsaken shithole.

Jonny rolls in true P.I.M.P. style. The Jonnymobile is a 1997-vintage battleship-colored battleship with an All-American (though Japanese-made) V-8, 4.1 liter power plant. Length: 199 inches (16'7"). Empty Curb Weight: 3,877 pounds. Not exactly a recipe for good gas mileage, right?

Well, Jonny thought so for a long time. In-town mileage is shitty - EPA estimate: 16 MPG City. Jonny's experience: yep, about 16 mpg. Go EPA! Might as well drive a Hummer. EPA estimate: 22 MPG Highway. Jonny's experience: Not so much. I always felt lucky if I got 20 MPG on the highway. But hey - it was a nice, smooth ride with COLD air. Jonny just figured someone at the EPA got some nice oral pleasures from some Asians to issue this lofty rating.

Well, on Jonny's last two expeditions to the Land of the Meth-Mouth, I decided to try driving a little slower. What the hell. No real rush to get there. So Jonny set the cruise control to 60 and leaned back to enjoy the scenic countryside. Jonny never realized how many Adult Book Stores there are along I-35. Why is that? Are all of the truckers stopping to jack it before continuing on their journey? Jonny wants to know, but Jonny digresses.

Anyway, reset: Jonny was driving 60. The result? Well, Jonny's immediate impression was that it was AWESOME, simply because driving 60 MPH on the Interstate REALLY pisses a lot of people off. Nothing pleases Jonny more than watching some Douchebag twist off in Jonny's rear-view mirror because said Douchebag is very displeased that Jonny has chosen to drive the speed limit or slightly less. I'm in the slow lane fuckhole - go around me. Usually, if the douchebag rolled up on Jonny's bumper quickly enough and chose to stay extremely close, I would just hit the "Cancel" button on my cruise control so that my speed would start to decrease even more. That REALLY pisses them off. Usually I would get down to about 50 before they finally got the message and backed off, eventually passing while giving Jonny a dirty look, mouthing some choice words like "Jesus loves you" or "Have a nice day", and sometimes indicating via hand signal that Jonny was Number One!

Some Douchebags even chose to fly up on Jonny's ass, tailgate me, and then start flashing their lights and/or honking their horns. Response? Well, even though it's an old piece of shit, the Jonnymobile does have four-wheel antilock brakes. Seems like a good time to test them out. HARD!

[X] ABS still working

This particular subset of Douchebags seemed to get the message much more quickly than the Cancel Button Douchebags and backed off right away, but their response was usually more emphatic when they passed. I think a few of them liked Jonny so much that they wanted Jonny's autograph, because they were motioning for Jonny to pull over. I'd like to apologize to all of my fans out there, but Jonny ain't stopping on the side of the Interstate for you - it's too fucking hot and I have a tent full of smoke that I'm trying to get to some time today. You'll have to buy a facsimile of Jonny's autograph on eBay, Douchebag.

Beyond the initial result, Jonny was shocked to find out after going through a full tank of gas at 60 MPH that the Jonnymobile got a whopping 23 MPG!!! You fuckers in your four-cylinder, hamster-powered economobiles may scoff at this, but Jonny is rolling 199" long and nearly TWO TONS deep. I've got ice-cold air and I can carry more cargo in the Jonnymobile than I could in my Toyota pickup truck. And maybe that guy at the EPA didn't get blown, because suddenly 22 MPG is very realistic. Or maybe he just hustled those Asian chicks.

So Jonny has had an epiphany, and he would feel guilty if he didn't share it with you. Yes, even YOUR shitty car can get better gas mileage. Jonny's little jog into the Land of the Toothless is about 85 miles each way, so the difference in driving 60 MPH instead of 70 MPH means it takes me 12 minutes longer to get there. Who cares. It's not like Jonny's time has any value, so why not save some money on gas? And before you convince yourself that you are any different, YOUR time is WORTHLESS too. Unless you were planning working at some fantastic hourly rate once you get where you are going, then you have nothing better to do and your time has no value either.

So here's the moral of today's sermon: If you insist on driving above the speed limit, you have ZERO grounds to bitch about the high price of gas. Jonny improved his gas mileage by 15% simply by slowing down a little - so little that he didn't even notice that the trip took any longer. If you are so certain that your time and your life is so goddamn important that you have to drive 75, 80, 85 MPH or more to get where you are going, then I don't want to hear you whine about how much it cost you to fill your tank. Jonny used to think his time was valuable too, but now he knows otherwise and would rather entertain himself by pissing off Douchebags while driving slower and saving money. If you insist on driving faster than me, then SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! And if you insist on tailgating Jonny because I am Driving Miss Daisy To The Casino, you might catch a mouthful of the Jonnymobile's bumper, and I can guarantee you that the Jonnymobile will suffer less damage than that fiberglass American-made piece of shit that you are driving.

Jonny out, Bitches!