URDUMB*

Mornin'. Howsurmommanem?

Quick one - Jonny is getting new windows installed on the Casa de Jonny. The new windows really dress up the big cardboard box. Ok, so check out the warning label on Jonny's new window screens:




REALLY? Shit! I'm glad they told me that. Fuck ME! Jonny was counting on his new window screens to provide the final layer of protection to his compound, sorta like Will Smith did with those gigantic sliding iron shutters on his house in I Am Legend, only WAY more high tech, even though Will Smith was doing this way in the future. Jonny thought that there had been tremendous strides in the Nobel Prize category of "Window Screens That Can Protect You From Heavy Artillery" since the writers conceptualized I Am Legend, but Jonny was sadly mistaken. I guess the terrorists have already won. Jonny will have to look elsewhere for defense against the onslaught of starving zombies. I wonder if it's too late to get my money back for these worthless fucking windows.




But seriously - You know what happened, right? A while back, some Fucktard bought windows from this company. Then Fucktard got drunk and thought it would be cool to do some sweet jumps that involved them using the window screens like a vertical trampoline to bounce off and fly across the room. Except that (SHOCKINGLY!) Fucktard went right through the screen and hit the ground three stories below. Then Fucktard was sitting at home in a full-body cast, and between episodes of Gomer Pyle, USMC and The Jerry Springer Show, Fucktard saw a commercial asking him "Have you been injured because of the negligence of someone else? You might be entitled to MONEY DAMAGES! Give us a call!". Fucktard called the law firm of Assclown, Assmunch, and Asshat, Esq. and found an equally Fucktarded attorney that was willing to file a nuisance lawsuit, which resulted in the window company paying Fucktard (with a nice 40% contingency fee to the Fucktard Attorney and his firm) some "Get The Fuck Away From Me With This Bullshit" settlement to just make the case go away. BINGO! From now on, we must label our windows with the painfully obvious.

Ain't capitalism grand?

* Blatantly stolen from someone on BigStack.com. Jonny thinks it was TheJim that coined this phrase. Jonny hereby promises to pay royalties to the creator of "URDUMB" and the "URDUMB license plate" based upon net revenues from ItsOverJonny.com. Which means you owe ME money - send me a check.