Fun with Business Reply Mail

This one doesn't really need much explanation, and it really isn't very funny, so I guess this one is another Kick Square-In-The-Nuts. Jonny has a couple of vehicles manufactured by Infiniti Motors, and apparently they want to make sure that Jonny continues to buy his cars from Infiniti. Further, they hope to achieve said result by sending Jonny marketing materials in the mail. Truthfully, Jonny has been very pleased with his Infiniti's and would likely but another one. It's another topic for another day, but the Jonny-Mobile (an Infiniti Q45) is now about 12 years old and approaching 180,000 miles. Still running strong despite Jonny's best efforts at abuse and neglect. You high-brow Nissan guys are okay in Jonny's book.

So over the weekend I get a packet in the mail about the Infiniti QX56. It's their biggest SUV - a tricked-up version of Nissan's most gaudy SUV - the Armada. Jonny could not possibly describe it as well as John Pearly Huffman did on TheCarConnection.com, so he will instead quote Mr. Huffman here:

"There's something about Infiniti's new QX56 that seems unseemly. It's not that it's bigger than every other SUV (it isn't - though it's mighty big) but that it has apparently been designed to celebrate its own gigantism so brazenly. This is the SUV as hussy. It's the sport-ute equivalent of a hefty woman in a tube top, vinyl miniskirt, thigh-high boots and too much makeup."

Sounds sexy, right?

But seriously, why bother to send me information in the mail about Infiniti's latest vehicle? Who the hell buys a car based upon unsolicited information he/she receives via snail-mail about a particular vehicle? Especially a vehicle that costs in excess of $55,000 (MSRP)? Let's temporarily suspend the minor details about gas approaching $4.00 per gallon and the fact that no one in their right mind would buy an SUV these days - especially THIS monstrosity that gets 12, that's TWELVE miles per gallon. If I WERE going to spend $55-60k on a vehicle, do they REALLY think that the little postcard they send me in the mail is going to sway my purchase decision? Really? As I said in my note to the marketing think-tank at Infiniti/Nissan, if I'm interested in spending bucks like that on a car, I'm likely to go to one of their fine dealerships, or at least check out their automobile offerings on the Internet Machine. Even Jonny's old ass is not going to pursue a $60k purchase decision via snail mail. I was tempted to tug their chain a little and actually request "more information on the all-new Infiniti QX", but all that would do is generate more paper that Jonny would have to throw away, and it would not teach the desired lesson nor send the desired message. Instead, I decided to send them my own polite little message (on their dime, as always) about how stupid their marketing is. I think I made my point, but did so very diplomatically and ended it with the ever-so-sweet graphic heart and "Love you long time!"

I cannot see any point in mailings like these, except that someone has a vested interest in keeping the United States Postal Service in business (yet another "another topic for another day") by distributing this worthless, pointless shit-mail. So I spent another 30 cents or so of Infiniti's money to let them know how I felt. Maybe they'll see the light and realize that by wasting 30 cents, they got the full impact of Jonny's wisdom and may save hundreds of thousands by NOT sending out their next snail-mail/shit-mail campaign.





That is all. Jonny out, bitches!

More Fun with Credit Cards

For a much more creative and much more elaborate credit card prank than Jonny's amateur attempts at humor, check out what THIS guy did. Keep clicking through the links at the end of the page - his thought process and his experiment gets wilder and wilder, and his results get more hilarious as he goes.


Part I:

http://www.zug.com/pranks/credit/

Part II:

http://www.zug.com/pranks/credit_card/

This was my favorite one:





Greatness!

Fun with Credit Card Companies

Like you, Jonny is annoyed with all of the unsolicited credit card offers I receive in the mail. I have one credit card, and I have had it since 1996. So you would think that the Capital One's and the WAMU's of the world would eventually figure out that I have never responded to one of their offers, and that they are wasting their money and our mutual time sending me this shit? But since they don't appear to be listening, I decided to try to have a little fun with them. If I have to waste my time sifting through their shit and destroying it whenever it arrives in the mail, I might as well waste a little more of their time (and a few more cents of their money) and see if I can entertain myself in the process.

I stole the idea from the guys over at BigStack.com / WestonPoker.com. As time goes on I'm sure I'll come up with more creative and funnier ways to fuck with them, but here's v1.0.

This particular offer pissed Jonny off more than most, because they sent it in an oversized brown envelope and even inserted a sheet of bubble wrap, presumably to make this particular piece of shit-mail seem larger, thicker, and therefore more important(?). Or maybe they were worried that the documents would be damaged in transit and therefore needed packing material to make sure that they arrive safely. Regardless, I wrote them a courteous note on the bubble wrap in which I thanked them for the free entertainment. We all love popping bubble wrap, right? Then I stuffed it all back in their prepaid envelope and shipped it off to them in the mail (on their dime, of course).

I have a couple more such pieces of shit-mail on my desk and I'm trying to think of what to do for v2.0. Any ideas are welcome. Just keep in mind that my intent is just to give some poor slob working in a mailroom somewhere a giggle, and at the same time to piss off the stuffed-shirt that reigns over his miserable life. The point is that I'm not trying to rebel against The Man, create social/civil unrest, or attract the interest of the BATF or FBI. This ain't Fight Club kids. I doubt anyone other than the mail guy will ever see my handiwork, but I had fun with it.